Tired of the “weight”

My whole life diets and weight have been an issue. If I wasn’t starving myself I was binging terribly on junk food and anything I could get my hands on. I don’t ever remember a time in my life when I’ve been a stable weight or on a normal healthy diet. I remember clearly the days and months spent on ridiculous starvation diets that either consisted of no food at all or a tiny portion of something like a snack a jack. I felt absolutely awful. You would only have to brush up against me and I would be covered in bruises from the lack or iron my body was craving. I was low on nutrients and low on self esteem. I felt like shit. After I couldn’t take any more I would then go on wild binges where I would eat absolutely everything in sight and then gain even more weight than I had lost. I never looked skinny so my family never knew the extent of the things I was doing to myself. I was a professional at making excuses up about why I wasn’t eating and because I would paste a smile onto my face they didn’t realise the lethargy I was going threw or how unhealthy I was.  By the time I would start to lose any weight off whatever ridiculous diet I was on it would soon be time for my next binge and the cycle continued. Lose a bit, gain alot, lose a bit, gain alot.

Along came by first born and I gained around 3st during the pregnancy. Soon after giving birth I started the stupid diet again and lost the 3st. Very unhealthily.

2nd pregnancy comes along and I gain another 3st but this time I don’t lose it. A year later I get pregnant with my 3rd baby and I gain 4st plus! At this point I’ve found myself a whopping 18st.8.

I was in a baby bliss but I knew deep down that I couldn’t go on like this. I needed to do something before it started effecting my health. I really don’t know to this day how I got away with not having diabetes or high blood pressure. My periods some how miraculously stayed regular too. But I wanted to do somehing before it did effect those things. So 3 months after my baby was born I decided to go on lipotrim. Yes ..another crazy diet. It basically consists of 3 shakes a day with no food at all. In 6 months I lost 7 stone and I was a healthy weight. But there was a problem. I now have extra skin that repulses me. Since losing the 7st I’ve gained a few stone back and I’m currently on slimming world trying to lose the weight I’ve put back on. And it’s been a really big struggle. I will do so well for a week or 2 then once again go on a massive binge and it’s so damn hard trying to be normal when all I’ve known is the wrong way to eat. I’m not happy with my body at all and I’m really hoping that one day I can have my lose skin surgicaly removed as I know deep down that’s why I haven’t been sticking to my diet. Because I lost 7 st and then in place of all my hard work was all this awful skin. So part of me said what’s the point in losing it as I look just as bad as I did when I was obese.

One thing I will say is my views and knowledge of nutrition have completely changed. I no longer starve myself and I really care about my health and making sure I have the right nutrients. So the starvation diets HAVE stopped.

I’m currently on slimming world and trying to lose the weight in the hope to one day having my skin surgery. That is keeping me going.

Has anyone else struggled with weight their whole life too? Have diets taken over most of it like they have mine. I am really  trying to be strong and become the healthiest version of myself but fucking hell it’s bloody hard!

If anyone ever reads this who has been threw similar diet troubles/patterns as me. Just bloody hang in there. One day I know I will be a stable weight and I will get this skin taken off that is holding me back.

Slimming world is a fantastic diet and I’m really enjoying it as far as a diet goes. And I’m alowed carbs too which is bloody marvelous!

Wish me luck. I need it.

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He never complained even once.

IMG_20180415_090130_906sometimes it’s easy to only focus on my disabled son Albie. He has so many health needs that at times I forget that my oldest son Otis is seeing it all. He has seen the seizures, he has seen his mum holding his brother while he turns blue and looks lifeless. He has seen me panic and cry and see me hurt. He watches me go off into ambulances with his brother countless times and watched it driving off and wondered why. He sees Albie go from play fighting and being silly with him to sitting in a hospital bed poorly. He has seen him be catheterised  since he was a baby and it’s now so normal to him. What I’m trying to say is I’m so proud of my oldest son Otis. He has had to see more than he should have to at times. He has adapted his ways to include Albie in his games and doesn’t ever say ‘why can’t Albie walk’ he just understands some how and gets on with it. He is so appreciated. He never ever complained even once. He is 4 years old. One day when he is older I can’t wait to tell him how proud of him I am. Just in general but also of how well he deals with having a disabled brother. And not only that but of how sorry I am for ever being snappy from taking my worry out on him or being tired from hospital stays and everything else involved. I forget that at one time everything was about him and everything was calm and then his brother came along and that was a big adjustment to him too. He must have wondered why things changed but still he never complained. I’m basically just so proud of him. For being the best brother and for some how at age 4 understanding everything.

Last baby blues

I hate it when you try and lie to yourself about not having sadness about having the last baby. Somtimes I will say things to hubby like ‘Oh it will be fine one day the kids will have their own so we will have babies in our lives still’ but deep down I know that its20161218_121146 not the sadness I’m feeling. Its the sadness of it not being MY baby. It’s the knowing I will never go to another scan again and knowing that each time I push my little girls pram that one day that will be the last time I push one of my babies of my own in a pram. That one day I won’t be using a special baby friendly shampoo in their hair because one day and they will just use the same products as me. The baby grows getting less and less because they are needing pjs now. The thought that my little girls cot will be replaced by a big normal bed. I know I sound selfish because I was lucky to have children in the first place but I’m really really going to miss the baby side of parenting. I will miss all the washing bottles out. The buggys. The baby grows. The stairgates. Most days I hate those things but deep down I will miss it so damn much and it’s so much more upsetting knowing I have had all my babies and will never have the baby stage again. Never go to another scan. Never hear the heart beat for the first time. Never be asked ‘aww how far along are you’ or never have a baby kicking inside my tummy. I am so thankful to god for letting me be a mum and for letting me be pregnant because having kids was truly the best gift in the entire world and even tho we wont be having anymore babies I still can not wait to watch them all grow into their own little selves. They may not be babies one day but they are just grown versions of those little babies and the heart beat may not be heard on the monitor but I can now feel it in real life every single day which in itself is so precious. I love my babies. And to me they will always be babies.

Mine and Albies journey.

Screenshot_20170906-162756.pngFB_IMG_1526327160775I was just 21 years old at 5 months pregnant when they told me that my boy wasnt  ok..the usual reassuring smile that they usually gave me while scanning my tummy went away and I felt a darkness fill the room. ‘Stu look at his little hands hes perfect’  I look at the lady to see if she shares my joy and she does the biggest sigh ive ever heard. Ive been looking and we have found some problems with your baby, my joy instantly fades away and sickness fills my stomach and I don’t say a word she explains to me that my boy is very poorly we have found a build up of fluid on baby’s brain and we have noticed his spine isnt completely formed.  my head rushes with a thousand thoughts and the tears fall down the sides of my cheeks into my ears and hair. Im still liying down but at this point I wanted to wipe all this gel from my tummy and run far away. But I need to know more. ‘What does that mean? Will he be Ok? ‘Your baby has a very high chance of being paralysed and may never walk ‘ at this point I can do nothing but sob. At that moment my heart shattered into a million pieces and I could see nothing good in the world. Will he survive?And her answer brought relief ‘yes of course he will’ at this point all I cared about was that my baby would live. I needed him to live. I knew I would face a life of watching my boy struggle but aslong as god gave him to me and let me care for him thats all that mattered. My life from that moment on has never EVER been the same. A deppression that ruined my entire pregnancy filled my heart and the sadness was crippling. My son will NEVER walk. I didnt know if my heart could cope with this and I didnt see any light. The fear of the unknown took over my whole pregnancy,the perfect birth thoughts were snatched away from me. The pregnancy dragged and the deppression was agonising for me but for my husband too because I was a broken mother. Taking every emotion out on him but he stood by and kept putting up with me. My fear was shown in the form of anger and my husband took the whole lot of it. The day came that I had to birth my boy and as each contraction came the fear and sadness filled me. I knew what was to come. I pushed my baby out and I wanted to hold him so badly but they just showed me his face and then had to take him away. I craved so badly to hold my baby but all I could do was watch as they wrapped him up and took him away. My mother instincts that were so strong had to be pushed away and instead I had to talk to my baby threw a plastic box. I stood by his box and he cried. He wanted comfort. He wanted my milk. But instead wires covered him. I wanted so badly to take all those wires away and feed my baby and his cries broke my already broken heart. All I could do was stand here and watch him I felt absolutely usless and hated myself. The journey had only just begun. My baby at just 3 days old had to go and have a 6 hour operation to close up his little spine. I held him on my chest and they pushed me in a wheelchair down to the operating room. He was looking at me the whole time. Huge blue eyes staring at me and I could barely see him because the tears blurred my vision. How could I possibly have any more tears left? The walk felt like it went on for hours but it wasnt. Before I knew it a lady was stood infront of me and looked down at me and my baby. I looked back at her and sobbed more. I knew why she was looking at me. It was time for her to take my baby. At this point im hysterical I hold him tight I smell him I even have little thought of running away from there. All I can think to myself is how can my tiny little newborn handle what they are going to do to him? I try to get the awful thoughts from my head but I cant. They are going to take my baby. My perfect baby who has been with me for 9 months and they are going to cut his perfect beautiful skin and its far too much for me to bare. The lady had to pull my boy from my grasp and I watched his tiny little being getting further away from me. The doors close and I fall into my husbands arms. My legs can barely hold me The pain that im feeling has taken every bit of strength I had and my husband is now holding me up while I cry. Not like the cry you do if you hurt yourself or the cry you do when your a little down. This cry was pain. I was in actual physical pain. The pain of a broken mother. My sobs filled the corridors my sobs filled the room. My sobs filled the hospital. Nurses stared at me with sadness All I could do was wait. Wait in my hospital room. Everywhere I turned were my babies belongings. His clothes his blanket his bottles or his little bed without him in. There was no relief any where I turned. I wanted to feel nothing I was sick of this sadness I wanted to close my eyes and sleep but I couldnt because not only was I mentally in pain I was physically in agony from giving birth. There was no escape. Hours and hours passed by and my boy was ok. He was Ok!! He smelt differently. He didnt smell like a baby he smelt medical I didnt like that smell and I wanted it to go away. But I was just happy to have my baby back again. 3 years have passed since my boy was born and Im still not ok every day. I am ok most of the time but some days Im sad. Albie has made me realise that I am strong. I am so so strong. Sometimes I feel like I dont  have the right to be depressed but I bloody do. No one knows your story or what you have been threw. I picked my shattered heart off the floor and stuck each piece together again. I stood up when my legs couldnt carry me anymore. I got out of bed when everything in me was saying whats the point.My son has his struggles every single day. And he faces them with courage and strength. How can I be weak when I have this little boy relying on me to be strong for him. Albie is a warrior. And Im his mum and Im a warrior too. I may not have had the surgery myself but me and my boy went threw this together. The tears he cried I felt the pain and cried too. Its ok to not be ok. No one knows your story or the pain your heart has felt. Im recovering from deppression and Im not ashamed to admit that. I am strong. And my boy is even stronger. It is ok to NOT be ok. My boy is the best thing to ever happen to me. And god knew when he chose me that I was the right one to be his mother. He knew I would be strong and he knew I was the best person to look after that little boy. I will continue to be strong and I will also continue to have a bad day when I cry in bed but guess what. Im going to get up in the morning after a good cry and be strong again. Because so does my boy albie. My son is 3 years old. He is completely paralysed from his waist down. He army crawls and he uses a wheelchair. He also has a build up of fluid on his brain and because of this he has a permanent tube called a shunt in the side of his head that drains the excess fluid from his brain down to his tummy. The excess fluid is because his spine isn’t formed properly. Not only does he have that he also has to have a catheter every 4 hours because his nerves are damaged making him unable to fully empty his bladder. My son amazes me each day. We take for granted the easiest things and my 3 year old boy never ever complained even once. My son is my hero. And our story together will forever haunt me but also fill me with love. How could we go threw all that together and not be bonded. We have a bond that will never be broken.  I will continue to be strong each day and care for you as God intended. You will always be cared for and loved as long as I’m around. I love you forever Albie.